tough choices

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The execution of such measures depends on how far you are willing to go and how much you are willing to risk.

As such, the choices you end up with can be very hard to take. The decision to execute one of these choices can be very hard to make.

But it has to be made.

There are two options available for me right now; two options which could be the key to resolving the current situation.

What situation is that, you ask? Well... Let's just keep that under wraps for the time being okay? For now, I'll keep it all in code.

Imagine you're outnumbered by enemy forces, pinned down by a huge volume of weapons fire, just a few moments from being overrun. What do you do?

Option A: Broken Arrow
You scream "Broken arrow!" into the radio. According to Wikipedia, this is the United States code for calling in all available aircraft or artillery for an air strike and/or artillery strike very near a friendly position which has been overrun by the foe, and therefore creating a high probability of 'Blue-on-Blue' (or friendly fire). Like in this scene from the movie We Were Soldiers.

It's desperate and very risky. In effect, you are pulling all the stops in an attempt to stave off defeat by bringing down massive firepower near where you are. You do everything necessary to save what you have. However, you do this at great risk to the lives of your soldiers, as you call in fire near and among them. In doing so, you risk losing much of what you are.

Option B: Hammerdown
You initiate the "Hammerdown Protocol". According to WikiAnswers, this is a plot device used in the movie Cloverfield. Because they (the US military) were not able to destroy the monster through any other means, an order was given to "hammer down" and destroy New York City in an attempt to destroy the monster. To put it simply, a character in the movie says that "the government is willing to let Manhattan go".

A similar incident can be seen in the "Whiskey Hotel" mission of Modern Warfare 2. In this one, the player has to reach the roof of the White House and deploy green flares to call off the incoming air strike which, if not stopped, would flatten Washington, D.C.

This option, as stated above, means that you are willing to let go of everything you have built and fought for in order to defeat the enemy. You lose everything in the blink of an eye. You win, but at such a grievous cost.

Which option should I choose? Do I risk losing a large part of myself in one, or risk losing it all in the other? It's a tough choice. However, there's still some time before that choice has to be made.

Not much, but some.

a fleeting moment

It has been a long time since I've been here. Anticipating. Waiting. Straining at the very end of my leash, yearning to hear my name over the din of applause.

A very long time, indeed. The last time I was here was during my high school graduation. A stage. An audience. A piece of paper. Fulfillment, even for just a few moments. Everything is in place, and problems fade into the background.

Euphoria blanks out a fast approaching thesis deadline. Domestic disputes and organizational quibbles are drowned out by the sound of applause. The here and the now is all that matters.

The stage comes closer one step at a time, as name after name is called. Applause. Step forward. Wait. Applause. Step up. Wait. Applause. Walk forward.

Everything fades into a blur. The lights blot out the audience. The sound fades. Handshake. Scroll. Smile. Thank you sir. Handshake. Smile. Thank you sir. Walk forward. Step down. Smile all the way.

For a fleeting moment everything is perfect. Everything. Perfect. The feeling lasts all the way back to the seats. Everything is perfect.

And then reality explodes all around. The black bag, the papers, the time. All scream "Thesis!' The euphoria fades. The smile goes away. The scroll becomes another piece of paper among a bag full of papers.

The names fade. The applause fades. The theater disappears. A new feeling emerges.

Determination. A renewed drive for perfection, for success, for fulfillment.

This is just a taste of what is to come.

curtain call

Indecision is one of my greater weaknesses. I spend a lot of time vacillating between one choice and the other, seemingly incapable of choosing between the two. God forbid I get three or more choices.

Things as trivial as whether or not I should go to the UP Fair tonight or what book should I read or what chocolate bar should I eat take up an inordinate amount of time in my head. Bigger problems end up paralyzing my thought processes.

I wait for better choices. I look for easier ways out. I pray that someone else makes the decision for me. Pathetic. Weak.

How I wish that things could be easier, that I could be more decisive. That I could live with the decisions I make.

That is the real cause of my indecision. The fear that I would not be able to live with the consequences of my decisions. I end up vacillating for a long time, then go with the safer, less disruptive, and ultimately weaker choice.

My new video card made every game on my desktop run very smoothly. A big surprise, given that we bought a cheap card on impulse without even checking out what its capabilities were. Anyway, Modern Warfare 2 runs like a dream, with nary a stutter or a hint of lag. So much so that it is now even easier to focus on the game. It pulls you in and shuts out the real world around you.

The effect is near-perfect accuracy, quick reflexes, and a drive to get things done quickly and efficiently. No distractions. Heads get blown off with unerring predictability. But hey, it's just a game. No consequences in the real world, save for lost time and productivity.

But mowing down people costs you nothing. Getting killed costs but a few seconds of reloading a saved game. Losing is near impossible, as one can just play again and again and again until he gets it right. Wrong or bad decisions ultimately have no real consequences.

Maybe that's the key to my indecision: decide as if there are no consequences. Better put; decide and take the consequences - whatever they may be - as they are. No more pining over what could have been or concocting "what-if" scenarios. Just play the game of life as best you can.

Look at the choices. Weigh them against each other and decide based on their merits. Decide for yourself, don't make the world decide for you.