realizations

Tinatamad nanaman ako.

Lagi naman e.

Hahahaha.

Three weeks before the semester ends, and 'Im still in a sluggish mood. I can't get myself to start working. Deadlines are drawing near and I have yet to start on anything.

I just don't have the drive to get on with everything I have to do. I feel drained and incomplete. There is something missing; I just don't know what it is.

Hahahaha.

Tinatamad ka lang talaga.

Pero bakit?

What's wrong? I really have no idea. I have lists of things to do, yet I can't even start to do them. It's like something is holding me back. Something is muddling my brain and keeping me from thinking. Something has tied up my hands, keeping me from writing or typing.

It's frustrating. Immensely frustrating.

I want to work. I want to turn out perfect work. I want to finish my assignments. I want to pass perfect assignments. I want to be perfect. I want to be the best.

Maybe that's what's missing. I don't feel like I'm good at what I do anymore.

Weird right? But it's completely true. In the past I felt like I could do anything. Anything. I felt invincible. I felt alive. I could do a job and pass it with confidence thinking "I am the best".

And everything came back with the highest grades. Or with the greatest praise. Or at least with a special mention. I was driven by the expectation that I would be the best, or at least among the best.

I felt that I was special. Now I don't feel so special anymore.

So much so that I don't feel like doing what I should be doing. So much so that I don't feel like giving my all in my work. So much so that I just want to ignore everything and retreat into my own little world.

Failure after costly failure. Defeat after defeat. Mistakes. Stress. Complaints. Backstabbing. Loss of confidence. Disrespect. The little things. They all eat at me.
And now I don't feel so special anymore.

I feel like I'm a minor player, or not even a player at all. Irrelevant. Easily dismissed. I may hold a position, but I feel like I'm easily ignored. I may get good grades, but "good" just does not feel, well, good.

I don't feel good. I feel bad. Hahaha. Really bad.

I want something more out of my life. I want to be more than what I am right now. I want to be the best that I can be.

And ranting about failure and not feeling special is not the answer to that.

Looking back at what I wrote, reviewing the words that I used, seeing my thoughts out in the open... Am I really that pathetic? Have I sunk so low that I would moan about not feeling special?

Writing really is the best stress reliever. How could I have let myself forget that? Hahaha. Let's start there. I should start writing more. Again. I have the brains. I have the talent. I have the means and the time. Now I must regain the will.

I let my pride be broken and battered by the words of others. I let myself be affected by a string of failures not entirely of my own doing. I let myself down, plain and simple, by letting the people and events around me define who I was. No more.

I will be me again. The old me. The me who didn't take crap from anyone. The me who didn't care what other people said or thought about him. The me who strived for perfection. The me who defined himself by his own terms and by his own standards.

Yes. Enough self pity. Enough wallowing in the mud. Enough crying over spilled milk. Enough living in the past. Enough cliches.

It's about time I retook the initiative. Carpe diem. Carpe nocte.

Seize the day and the night. Take every opportunity to be the best. No more settling for mediocrity. No more "para lang maipasa" or "para lang may nagawa".

I am setting high expectations for myself here. Hahaha. But they can be attained. They will be reached.

I will be me again.