shameful

Can the pleasantries. The actions of the protesters at the BOR meeting last Wednesday in UP Diliman were not the actions of civilized people. (video from QTV here) Nakakahiya talaga.

No less than the UP Diliman University Student Council Chairperson-elect, Rainer Sindayen, was shown on the news screaming at UP Los Banos Chancellor Luis Rey Velasco and blocking his way into Quezon Hall.

While their grievances were legitimate - the loss of student representation in the Board of Regents is a big problem - the way in which they lashed out at UP officials brought their cause down to the level of anarchists hungry for attention. Kulang sa pansin.

Screaming at a UP Chancellor on national television, regardless of a legitimate cause, is downright disrespectful. Throwing paint at him, however wracked with anti-student decisions his record is, cannot be - must not be - condoned, for these are the acts of barbarians. These are the actions of uneducated people.

These are not the actions of students from the University of the Philippines.

A noble cause such as fighting for student rights and representation, calling for a more accessible education for the poor, decrying an ever-shrinking budget for education, and exposing the detrimental actions of the UP administration, is only hurt and diminished by the application of such violent and barbaric protest actions.

I am a UP student, and I feel ashamed for the actions of my schoolmates. However much I support their cause, I cannot - I will not - support the actions of these people.

As such, I take offense at this Facebook group/event "apologizing" for the events of March 24, 2010. I almost signed on, seeing that this was "A Public Apology from the UP Community". I was about to join, until I read the supposed "apology" more carefully and saw that this was no apology at all but a justification of the shameful actions of the protesters at the BOR meeting.

We do not apologize, however, for our militant actions; again, we wish to emphasize that the inconsiderate leadership of the Roman administration has left us with no other choice but to confront it head-on.

How much of the UP Community really shares this sentiment? How many UP students support this blatant justification of violence to support one's protests? Isn't this the very thing we all fight against? Whenever police violently break up rallies, whenever soldiers shoot at protesters, Mendiola, Hacienda Luisita, Manila Peninsula - aren't these the very same things this "apology" condones and justifies?

Granted, throwing paint is not the same as shooting unarmed civilians with automatic rifles, or bashing them with riot shields, or with hauling media personnel off to prison without warrants, but isn't this where it all starts? Before, they threw eggs at former AFP Chief of Staff Hermogenes Esperon. Now, its paint balls at UPLB Chancellor Velasco. What's next, Molotov cocktails?

The Board of Regents, UP President Emerlinda Roman, and UPLB Chancellor Velasco have much to answer for, yes. They have never really listened much to students before, but do you really think that they will listen to us now after that barbaric display at Quezon Hall?

The entire nation looks to us Iskolars ng Bayan as their hope for the future. Even with the ever-rising tuition rates, the people's taxes, rich and poor both, still support our studies. Is this what we want them to see as the result of their support? Is this what they are paying for?

We apologize further for the apathy of those in our ranks who seem to be more concerned with civil gestures rather than the welfare of the people.

The "civil gestures" this "apology" belittles are the very things which separate our society from barbarians and savages. Taking it further brings us closer to justifying the actions of terrorists - one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter, right? - who kill and destroy "for the welfare of the people". Is this what the UP Community really supports?

But maybe I may be just taking it a bit too far. The welfare of the people is hardly served by such violent, theatrical, media-grabbing behavior as throwing paint on people. The welfare of the people is not served by screaming at people. And I assure you, concern with "civil gestures" is not apathy, it is a sign of restraint, of respect, of a civilized and educated person who doesn't need to scream and throw paint balls to have his or her voice heard.

I believe that no one in UP is apathetic. We get bombarded with issues every day in our classrooms, in our hallways and in our streets. I believe that everyone cares or at least knows about the issues. However, not everyone goes out to the streets to rail and chant and clash with riot police. Not everyone wears red and carries placards and posters. And not everyone screams at UP officials and pelts them with paint balls.

Not everyone has such shameful behavior as the protesters last March 24.

final lap

It all ends on Tuesday. Six days to go. 144 hours left. The first person I see on or after the 31st gets a free chocolate sundae. Hahaha.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. After the last paper has been passed, after the last CD has been burned, after the last email has been sent, after the last newspaper has been analyzed, after the last respondent has turned in his or her survey, I will... I don't know.

Maybe I'll run to the Shopping Center and splurge on computer games and DVDs. Then I'll run right home and spend the next few days fixed in front of the computer. And just maybe I'll gain a pound or two more.

Maybe I'll have a steak dinner at Trinoma. To hell with the cost and my weight. Hahaha.

Maybe I'll go sit at the Sunken Garden and enjoy a few minutes of solitude under the trees with a chocolate milk shake.

Maybe I'll drop by the chapel, and take the time to say thank you.

Six days. 144 hours. 8,640 minutes.

It will all end, soon.

tough choices

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The execution of such measures depends on how far you are willing to go and how much you are willing to risk.

As such, the choices you end up with can be very hard to take. The decision to execute one of these choices can be very hard to make.

But it has to be made.

There are two options available for me right now; two options which could be the key to resolving the current situation.

What situation is that, you ask? Well... Let's just keep that under wraps for the time being okay? For now, I'll keep it all in code.

Imagine you're outnumbered by enemy forces, pinned down by a huge volume of weapons fire, just a few moments from being overrun. What do you do?

Option A: Broken Arrow
You scream "Broken arrow!" into the radio. According to Wikipedia, this is the United States code for calling in all available aircraft or artillery for an air strike and/or artillery strike very near a friendly position which has been overrun by the foe, and therefore creating a high probability of 'Blue-on-Blue' (or friendly fire). Like in this scene from the movie We Were Soldiers.

It's desperate and very risky. In effect, you are pulling all the stops in an attempt to stave off defeat by bringing down massive firepower near where you are. You do everything necessary to save what you have. However, you do this at great risk to the lives of your soldiers, as you call in fire near and among them. In doing so, you risk losing much of what you are.

Option B: Hammerdown
You initiate the "Hammerdown Protocol". According to WikiAnswers, this is a plot device used in the movie Cloverfield. Because they (the US military) were not able to destroy the monster through any other means, an order was given to "hammer down" and destroy New York City in an attempt to destroy the monster. To put it simply, a character in the movie says that "the government is willing to let Manhattan go".

A similar incident can be seen in the "Whiskey Hotel" mission of Modern Warfare 2. In this one, the player has to reach the roof of the White House and deploy green flares to call off the incoming air strike which, if not stopped, would flatten Washington, D.C.

This option, as stated above, means that you are willing to let go of everything you have built and fought for in order to defeat the enemy. You lose everything in the blink of an eye. You win, but at such a grievous cost.

Which option should I choose? Do I risk losing a large part of myself in one, or risk losing it all in the other? It's a tough choice. However, there's still some time before that choice has to be made.

Not much, but some.

a fleeting moment

It has been a long time since I've been here. Anticipating. Waiting. Straining at the very end of my leash, yearning to hear my name over the din of applause.

A very long time, indeed. The last time I was here was during my high school graduation. A stage. An audience. A piece of paper. Fulfillment, even for just a few moments. Everything is in place, and problems fade into the background.

Euphoria blanks out a fast approaching thesis deadline. Domestic disputes and organizational quibbles are drowned out by the sound of applause. The here and the now is all that matters.

The stage comes closer one step at a time, as name after name is called. Applause. Step forward. Wait. Applause. Step up. Wait. Applause. Walk forward.

Everything fades into a blur. The lights blot out the audience. The sound fades. Handshake. Scroll. Smile. Thank you sir. Handshake. Smile. Thank you sir. Walk forward. Step down. Smile all the way.

For a fleeting moment everything is perfect. Everything. Perfect. The feeling lasts all the way back to the seats. Everything is perfect.

And then reality explodes all around. The black bag, the papers, the time. All scream "Thesis!' The euphoria fades. The smile goes away. The scroll becomes another piece of paper among a bag full of papers.

The names fade. The applause fades. The theater disappears. A new feeling emerges.

Determination. A renewed drive for perfection, for success, for fulfillment.

This is just a taste of what is to come.

curtain call

Indecision is one of my greater weaknesses. I spend a lot of time vacillating between one choice and the other, seemingly incapable of choosing between the two. God forbid I get three or more choices.

Things as trivial as whether or not I should go to the UP Fair tonight or what book should I read or what chocolate bar should I eat take up an inordinate amount of time in my head. Bigger problems end up paralyzing my thought processes.

I wait for better choices. I look for easier ways out. I pray that someone else makes the decision for me. Pathetic. Weak.

How I wish that things could be easier, that I could be more decisive. That I could live with the decisions I make.

That is the real cause of my indecision. The fear that I would not be able to live with the consequences of my decisions. I end up vacillating for a long time, then go with the safer, less disruptive, and ultimately weaker choice.

My new video card made every game on my desktop run very smoothly. A big surprise, given that we bought a cheap card on impulse without even checking out what its capabilities were. Anyway, Modern Warfare 2 runs like a dream, with nary a stutter or a hint of lag. So much so that it is now even easier to focus on the game. It pulls you in and shuts out the real world around you.

The effect is near-perfect accuracy, quick reflexes, and a drive to get things done quickly and efficiently. No distractions. Heads get blown off with unerring predictability. But hey, it's just a game. No consequences in the real world, save for lost time and productivity.

But mowing down people costs you nothing. Getting killed costs but a few seconds of reloading a saved game. Losing is near impossible, as one can just play again and again and again until he gets it right. Wrong or bad decisions ultimately have no real consequences.

Maybe that's the key to my indecision: decide as if there are no consequences. Better put; decide and take the consequences - whatever they may be - as they are. No more pining over what could have been or concocting "what-if" scenarios. Just play the game of life as best you can.

Look at the choices. Weigh them against each other and decide based on their merits. Decide for yourself, don't make the world decide for you.

random nothings

Alert. Alive. Awake. Enthusiastic?

Four in the morning. This is getting to be a habit. A bad one.

This time I can't sleep because of the huge dinner I had a few hours ago. Three pork chops and one overflowing plate of rice at midnight. Midnight.

Add to that the fact that my brain has been running quite hot these past few days. So much so that I couldn't get a handle on a lot of the ideas which randomly pop out in the most inopportune places and moments. Like while I'm taking a shower or crossing a busy road.

Times like these should be used productively and not spent staring out into the darkness. Rogue ideas should be caught and corralled; the rare light bulbs flashing must be put to good use.

Lady Gaga is screaming in my head. Beats the hell out of that damned campaign jingle asking me if I've ever had the privilege of swimming in a sea of garbage. I could write a bad romance about that. Hahaha.

Maybe I will.

catch up

It's been a good two weeks since I last wrote here, and a lot has happened since then. Time to catch up on some things. Hehehe.

I was bedridden for much of last week, thanks to the insane mix of tequila, margarita, vodka, and red wine I drank with my cousins during our overnight stay at Fontana. No more drinking for a very long time, or at least not that much ever again. It was the hangover from hell, and not even my brand new laptop could take away the pain I felt every time I moved.

Brand new laptop?

Yep. Since my desktop's graphics card got fried two weeks ago after over three years of nearly continuous use, I was forced to abstain from playing any computer games. No longer. Now I can play Modern Warfare 2 while lying down on my bed. Hahaha. I got my dad to buy my aunt's high-end laptop a week ago, and now I have all that my old desktop could offer plus more. Fingerprint recognition?

Yes.

No more passwords for me. A swipe of any of my fingers and my Windows Vista account opens up. Surfing the Internet while lying down in bed and munching on Milky Way chocolates is a far cry from alcohol-induced headaches and stomach pains. The hangover from hell had given way to a taste of heaven on earth.

Now this kind of lifestyle appears to be the very epitome of laziness, but contrary to what you might expect I was out of the house more often. Once my hangover cleared I went out to play Frisbee for my PE class. Unfortunately, it was too much and too soon, and I was forced to sit down after a few minutes of tossing a Frisbee around.

Just this weekend I went on a trip to Intramuros with my friends. Hehehe. we had been planning to do this for the longest time (I think it's been a year already) and when we finally did it we only got to tour one street. Just one street. There was so much to see and we were sucked into a gallery of antique furniture and paintings - too bad taking photos was not allowed inside - which took so much of our time that the museum at San Agustin Church was closing by the time we got there. Ditto Casa Manila.

After shooting a lot of photos of ourselves (see here and here) we had dinner at one of the many restaurants in Chinatown. Best pata tim yet. Hahaha.

Yesterday marked me and my gummi bear's 11th month together. Only another 30 days to go before we reach our first anniversary. To celebrate, we had lunch at Chocolate Kiss. Best. Chicken Kiev. Ever. Hahaha.

Last thing. Thesis. Groundwork is done. Revision and data gathering to follow. Hehehe.

the bright side

Sleep just won't come.

For some stupid reason I just can't sleep, hence this blog post at four in the freakin' morning. Insomnia? Too much on my mind? Thesis? Weird effects of the flu? A lack of sheep to count?

I just don't know.

So much for the first school week of 2010. I missed my Journalism 122 class because of the flu and got even more delayed in finishing my thesis. My desktop computer of three years finally broke down; the initial diagnosis is that the graphics card gave out. No more Modern Warfare 2 or Empire: Total War for a few days at the least.

Year of the Tiger. Hah. More like the year of the Scare-dy Cat. Where's all my good luck? Serves me right for listening to astrologers. I should know better, y'know? Argh. Drifting, spinning, digressing, annoying. ANYWAY...

Deep breath. Let's look at this from another perspective. This could be one ironic twist of good luck for me. Irritating, yes, but this could be the universe's way of kicking me in the butt while screaming GET SOME WORK DONE! Taking away that black hole that has been sucking up all of my supposedly productive waking hours and leaving me with this poor excuse of a computer is actually one way of forcing me to start working on the things I should be doing - LIKE MY THESIS.

There. No distractions. No problem. Now all I have to contend with is this DARNED FLU. Vodka, chocolates, and an ambient temperature of near zero is NOT a good combination. Hahaha. The other good thing with the temporary loss of the desktop is that I am now FORCED to get some rest. Some time away from the computer should get me back to normal sooner than expected.

That's looking at the bright side right there. Ooh. Here's another one. All of the things that have happened gave me this opportunity to write this blog! Yey!

Now I wish I get to write something better soon.

2010-01

To hell with the title.

That's what gets me stuck whenever I try to write. I spend a very long time just staring at the screen or at the paper trying to think of a good title for what I'm going to write. This blog is no exception. I must have spent over 20 minutes trying to come up with a flashy or catchy or relevant title.

Hahaha. Anyway, 2010 is here. Just a little over 24 hours ago I was cowering behind our front wall while rockets, star shells, and flares lit up the night, waiting for the stray bullet or errant rocket with my name on it to come and end my misery. No kidding. While there were less firecrackers in our area this year - this was the quietest New Year's Eve I've seen - what little there was was a little too much.

At least three rockets from our next door neighbors blew up prematurely within 10 meters from where I was standing. A fireworks launcher nearby misfired and sent shells into the house beside us and the street in front of us. I spent most of the time crouched down with only my head looking over the wall at the light show outside.

What a way to start the new year. Hahaha. About the only thing missing was the helmet, uniform, and the gun and I could be one of the soldiers in my computer games. Needless to say, the need to play Modern Warfare 2 at full volume died as the first misfired rocket blew up a few feet away from me.

2010-01. My first blog for the new year. I survived the festivities, and now I have a whole year ahead of me. 364 days more to live. 8736 more hours to spend at work, at play, doing nothing, procrastinating, sleeping, eating, writing, living.

It's the Year of the Tiger according to the Chinese (by February, at least) so this is my year. I don't intend to waste it.

twenty-three years later (and 10 days too late)

I. Simply. Can't. Write. Anymore.

I missed writing on my birthday because I was surrounded by friends who went to great lengths to give me a "surprise" birthday party.

That I knew about it days beforehand due to the slip-ups of my sister didn't diminish the fact that I really enjoyed and appreciated the fake kidnapping, the cute pig hats and costumes, that irritating song, those darned photos, and the warm company they gave me that night.

Thanks guys! You know who you are. Special thanks goes to the big fat mastermind behind that operation. Hehehe. I love you dear.

I missed writing for much of the past year for a lot of reasons.

School work took up much of my time and also drained me of any drive to write (for leisure, that is). It really is ironic that it took a course about writing to remove much of the fun I had before with writing. Work kind of does that I think; before Journalism I was writing because I wanted to and because I enjoyed it. Now I'm writing mostly because I have to and that's what is expected of me.

Procrastination and laziness also kept me from putting my thoughts to paper. Sitting here in front of the computer, I have three choices: blog, Facebook, or computer games. Two of those things I do religiously. One I have all but forgotten. It's simply too easy to just laze around and do nothing productive at all.

There is also the lack of inspiration. What the hell do I write about? Who cares about what happens in my everyday life? Why should I put my innermost thoughts out on the Internet for everyone to see? Why should I write about issues and current events which happen again and again and again? It's frustrating.

I wouldn't want to consider myself burned out, but I sure feel like it. Nothing new comes out of my mind. I find it hard to do the things I enjoyed doing before. It's too easy to be distracted or to put off things I should be doing (here my thesis says "hi!"). Every day seems like a chore, another 24 hours to live through instead of to live for.

It's not just writing anymore. Everything seems like another obstacle, a problem, or a source of stress. Things like my surprise birthday party seem like islands of happiness in a sea of gloom. Islands which are fast becoming a rarity.

Twenty-three years later and here I am. Quarter-life crisis? I hope not.

this has to stop

You know that something is wrong with your country when 52 people are massacred in broad daylight.

The images that came out of Maguindanao show bodies strewn around a grassy field among battered vehicles. A shallow grave nearby contains even more of the victims of the worst political killing the country has ever seen.

You know that something is really wrong with your country when those 52 people included unarmed women and members of the news media.

With each passing day, more fingers point to the powerful Ampatuan family as the people behind the killing of the wife, sisters, and other relatives of Buluan Vice Mayor Esmael Mangudadatu, along with the lawyers and journalists who accompanied them as they made their way to the provincial election office in Shariff Aguak to file a certificate of candidacy for the coming elections.

Something is terribly wrong in a country where no one is spared and no atrocity is too much in a person's quest for power.

Horrifying. Barbaric. Brutal. Despicable. One cannot run out of words to describe the Maguindanao massacre. But words are not enough anymore. Statements and days of mourning are not enough to convey the outrage of a shocked and incensed people.

We must have justice - justice as swift and as unmerciful as the brutal attack on the women and journalists in Maguindanao.

We must find out who was behind the atrocity and have them pay for their crimes to the fullest extent of the law. No one should be exempted. No one should be above the law. No one should be untouchable, even though they may be the ones in power.

Everyone should be held accountable - the government of Maguindanao, the police, the militia, and the military personnel in the area should be investigated thoroughly and made to answer for the massacre. Their failure in protecting the people they were supposed to serve and protect is close to being a crime in itself.

Declaring a state of emergency in Maguindanao is a too little and too late. None of this would have happened if the government had been doing its job in Mindanao properly. None of this would have happened if the security forces in the area had been doing their jobs properly.

The national government should step in and go after the perpetrators of this heinous crime, as the local government of Maguindanao has obviously failed in its duties.

None of this would have happened if we had never tolerated the excesses and the abuses of the people in power. We as a people are as much to blame as we have allowed a culture of impunity to perpetuate itself in our country. We let it happen.

Truth be told, political killings are not new in this country. Media killings are not new. But this is just too much. 52 people dead. Maybe more. All in one day. All in one place. All because of an election.

The violence has gone on far too long. It has to stop. All of this has to stop. All of this will stop if we do something about it. All of this will stop if we start to care.

the name of the blame

*This is my second paper for my Journalism 103 (opinion writing) class.

Metro Manila is a mess. Roads are congested. Piles of garbage line its streets and fill its waterways. The city reeks of its own filth.

And that was before tropical storm “Ondoy” came.

On the day that over 400 millimeters of rain came pouring from the sky, the mess became a catastrophe. What we left mismanaged and damaged came back to haunt us all.

We stared in awe at the sheer volume of the rising flood waters and asked where all that water came from, knowing all too well that the denuded mountains and hills in the distance held the answer.

We watched helplessly as the homes, factories, and shopping centers of a poorly – if at all – planned metropolis sank in the middle of natural flood plains between the Marikina and Pasig rivers.

We waited desperately for help to come in the midst of the storm, only to be frustrated by news of rescue teams blocked by congested roads and suffering from a lack of equipment.

When the rain finally stopped we picked through huge piles of garbage. Our own trash, disgorged by the very waterways we turned into latrines, plus the debris from all the destroyed buildings and the mud and silt from the mountains, covered all the streets.

Metro Manila is a mess. Roads are congested. Piles of garbage line its streets and fill its waterways. The city reeks of its own filth.

This is after tropical storm “Ondoy” left.

In the days after the storm, thousands of volunteers picked up the pieces and gave food and supplies to those ravaged by the floods. Unfortunately, such a picture of one nation and one people engaged in bayanihan was not meant to last.

That fleeting moment of national unity was quickly overshadowed by politicians, personalities, and people all pointing fingers and blaming each other for the disaster that brought the capital to its knees.

Critics slammed the national government’s feeble disaster-response capability, even though the blocked roads prevented the rescue teams from getting to where they were needed most.

They scored the weather bureau, the Philippine Atmospheric, Geophysical, and Astronomical Services Administration (PAGASA), for not warning the people about the amount of rain brought by “Ondoy”, even though the tools for doing so were not available.

They blamed the managers of the metropolis’ drainage system for not opening the pumps out of the city, even though doing so would have entailed pumping water into already full rivers.

But these critics need not look far for those who are ultimately to blame for last month’s deluge. They only have to look in front of them, behind them, beside them, around them, within them, for the cause of the disaster.

Yes. We are all to blame.

Our mad rush to build a city caused us to irresponsibly put houses and infrastructure in hazardous areas. Urban planning took a back seat to profit-making.

Our disregard for proper waste management filled our drains, our creeks, and our rivers with garbage that so congested the waterways that the water had nowhere to go but into our living rooms.

Our disrespect for the law led us to tolerate squatters who blocked the main drainage channels out of the city and added to the congestion of our waterways.

Our greed led us to strip the mountains bare of trees and plants, leaving our watersheds without any cover at all from the rains.

Our ignorance kept us from preparing for the inevitable, with money going into worthless endeavors such as junkets abroad instead of proper disaster response equipment, adequate warning systems, and Doppler radars which could have warned us of the amount of rain brought by “Ondoy”.

At the end of it all, we are left with what we have sown.

Now, let us plant new seeds in the mud left by this disaster. Let us learn from our mistakes, and not repeat them in the future, lest we suffer another “Ondoy”.

four days after "ondoy"

You don't see things like this everyday. Sure, one can tune in to CNN or any other news channel or log on to the Internet to see scenes of nature's wrath, but I wasn't really prepared to see and experience a disaster area firsthand and right where I lived.

It was the smell - that heavy, putrid stench that hung in the air - that made it all real. There were piles of garbage scattered everywhere. Brown, sticky mud still lined the roads - in some places, it still covered everything.

If it wasn't muddy, it was dusty. The silt deposited by the flood had dried in some places, and passing vehicles churned the caked mud into a fine dust that flew everywhere. Trucks of every shape and size were coming and going, while there were a lot of damaged cars along the road.

Aside from the cars, every house or establishment we passed had furniture and appliances outside. Sofas, tables, chairs, television sets - all broken or damaged by the flood waters.

That was what I and a couple of friends went through as we walked home from Riverbanks yesterday evening. The flyover into Marikina was damaged during the storm, so there was no public transportation plying the road from Barangka to the Marikina Bridge.

There were people everywhere. Some, just like us, walking down the street on the way home. Quite a few people were waiting for a jeep or taxi to pass by. Some were cleaning their houses and furniture. Many were walking out of the area with their things on their backs.

Provident Village was full of people and trucks. Soldiers and police were scattered here and there. There was a steady stream of refugees, some barefoot, walking out of the worst-hit place in the entire city. We watched a truck try to drag a muddy car out of the village. The car's bumper came off, undoing the chain tying the two together. It was already dark, so I did not want to risk going further into the subdivision.

As we neared the Marikina Bridge, we passed one van carrying relief goods. One van. The white L300 was being mobbed by residents shouting "May stub kami! May stub kami!" ("We have stubs!) over and over again. We quickened our pace, fearing a looming confrontation - there were stories circulating about relief trucks that had been attacked by hungry and angry people.

An old woman on the bridge muttered "Hindi nga nalunod, mamamatay naman sa gutom" (We did not drown, but we're going to die of hunger).

Relief goods in the area were scarce. The main sources of food and supplies were either closed or running out of stock. Riverbanks, a major supermarket and mall which we had visited earlier in the day, was like a ghost town. In the mall, the stores were eerily empty and quiet. The glass walls of Jollibee, Nutri Options, and Tropical Hut lay shattered on the mud-covered floor.

One security guard remarked on the flood that brought the once bustling shopping center to its knees. "Lagpas tao tubig dito" (The water went higher than a person here), he said. And indeed, the water line on the walls showed the flood going up to more than six feet.

The river bank itself was a sea of brown mud. Silt and garbage covered what was supposed to be green grass. The vine-covered gazebo across the Marikina River was smashed; pieces of it had broken off leaving an empty shell.

I remember hanging out there with my friends once. Our conversation touched on how high the river got during flooding. Right there and then, as we walked through the remains of the park, we knew.

A friend, who couldn't take the smell anymore, told us "Amoy bangkay naman dito" (It smells like a corpse here). Until then I had kept all thoughts of death out of my mind, choosing instead to focus on the disaster and the people who needed help. I didn't want to think that she was right, that there were dead bodies around, but looking again at the as yet untouched and uncleaned Riverbanks park, I wasn't so sure anymore.

It was sad and depressing all throughout. While one of the reasons why I took up Journalism was so that I could go to and see disaster areas and war zones, I had never planned on seeing one right in my own backyard.

While walking through Marikina - from Riverbanks, to Barangka, past Provident, across the Marikina Bridge, to Bayan - I couldn't help but think about how fragile life was. The once busy city was totally shut down, its people trying to get back up from the devastation of the flood wreaked by "Ondoy".

However, dark and devastating the aftermath of the disaster may be, there is always something that gives hope and light to the survivors of the catastrophe. Foremost of all are the many volunteer relief efforts that have sprung up all over the metropolis in the wake of "Ondoy".

Before going around Marikina, my friends and I tried to help out in some of the relief centers nearest to us. While it was quite frustrating that we couldn't find any places where we could join in, it was heartening to see that this was because all of them were overflowing with people doing what they could to help their countrymen.

The University of the Philippines' Church of the Risen Lord, Cubao Expo, Ateneo de Manila University: all were filled with volunteers - mostly from the youth - loading and unloading trucks and packing relief goods.

It was a very encouraging sight indeed, to see Filipinos working to provide relief for fellow Filipinos. For all the devastation "Ondoy" has wrought on our country, on our cities, on our people, it still did do one good thing. The storm brought out the best in our nation. It brought out the best in us.

You don't see things like this everyday.

back home

MANILA - Cebu Pacific Flight 5J 679 landed at Ninoy Aquino International Airport at 3:55 AM, a few minutes ahead of schedule. Ground temperature was 26 degrees, a far cry from the 30 degrees which greeted us at Pudong International Airport just a few short days ago.

And THAT was three days ago. Hahaha. I've been bumming around ever since I got back home from Shanghai. I had a lot of catching up to do - with my family, my friends, with Plurk, Facebook, Multiply, Blogger, the History Channel, CNN, Farmtown, Sword of the Stars, Call of Duty 4 - hence the lack of updates since Friday.

Honestly, I have a bit of a hangover. I miss Shanghai. I miss the dorm, the bar, the food, the free Wi-Fi, the company. I miss the parks and the subway. I miss the feeling of adventure. But I missed home more, and now I'm back. I've got a lot to do - papers, blogs, exams, reports, changes.

Better start now.

***
I've got a huge backlog of blog posts and pictures about Shanghai. Will post them in the days to come.

jitters

By this time tomorrow, I'll be unpacking my bags at our hostel in Shanghai. That is, assuming that I even get to our hostel in Shanghai. Hahaha. I'm scared. I'm excited. I can't sleep.

All my bags are packed. I'm ready to go. Hahaha. I've got more than enough clothes for my six-day trip. Talk about overkill - I'm even bringing my nebulizer along with me. Too bad my dad didn't allow me to bring the laptop; I'll just have to borrow one when I get there.

Maybe I should try to sleep now. I've got a big day ahead. Hahaha.

rewrite

Second day, 30 minutes late. Damned traffic. I've forgotten how Katipunan Avenue gets clogged up in the morning thanks to the children going to Ateneo and Miriam.

Of course I should have left home earlier. Come on, leaving at 8:20 for an 8:30 class? I have got to shake off my summer hangover. It was a good thing that our professor did not make a big deal out of my barging into the room out of breath and very late.

Journalism 103. Opinion writing. The course I've been dying to take since Day One of my stint at the College of Mass Communication. You may have seen that some, if not all, of my old Blogspot blog entries just popped out of nowhere. I was just trying out Multiply's cross-posting feature so that I could somehow revive my old blog and now this happens. Crap.

Anyway, you may notice that I was once very opinionated. That was why I got into writing in the first place: to have my say on the issues of the day. Before I just wrote what I thought without thinking much about everything else - well, except grammar, but looking back now I fear I was a bit careless in my writing.

I hope that taking a class in opinion writing will help me communicate my thoughts better. I'll be writing even more thanks to that class, with a daily blog posting assignment, and writing exercises every meeting. Oops. Hahaha. But if I want to restore my discipline and my love of writing, it's a good start.

We didn't meet for my other class of the day, Journalism 112. Reporting on the environment is not really my forte, but as I said yesterday, it's nice to learn something new once in a while.

A College Assembly had been called so classes in the afternoon were suspended. The draft 2009 Code of Student Conduct was discussed by the CMC Student Council and representatives from the University Student Council. I'll probably have more on that in the coming days, but all I can say for now is that I'm glad that my term as the head of UP AstroSoc is ending tomorrow.

Hahaha. Just kidding.

On a more serious note, there's already at least one case of swine flu in UP Diliman. I'll have to be more careful. This pandemic could cost me my Shanghai trip in July. Damn.

realizations

Tinatamad nanaman ako.

Lagi naman e.

Hahahaha.

Three weeks before the semester ends, and 'Im still in a sluggish mood. I can't get myself to start working. Deadlines are drawing near and I have yet to start on anything.

I just don't have the drive to get on with everything I have to do. I feel drained and incomplete. There is something missing; I just don't know what it is.

Hahahaha.

Tinatamad ka lang talaga.

Pero bakit?

What's wrong? I really have no idea. I have lists of things to do, yet I can't even start to do them. It's like something is holding me back. Something is muddling my brain and keeping me from thinking. Something has tied up my hands, keeping me from writing or typing.

It's frustrating. Immensely frustrating.

I want to work. I want to turn out perfect work. I want to finish my assignments. I want to pass perfect assignments. I want to be perfect. I want to be the best.

Maybe that's what's missing. I don't feel like I'm good at what I do anymore.

Weird right? But it's completely true. In the past I felt like I could do anything. Anything. I felt invincible. I felt alive. I could do a job and pass it with confidence thinking "I am the best".

And everything came back with the highest grades. Or with the greatest praise. Or at least with a special mention. I was driven by the expectation that I would be the best, or at least among the best.

I felt that I was special. Now I don't feel so special anymore.

So much so that I don't feel like doing what I should be doing. So much so that I don't feel like giving my all in my work. So much so that I just want to ignore everything and retreat into my own little world.

Failure after costly failure. Defeat after defeat. Mistakes. Stress. Complaints. Backstabbing. Loss of confidence. Disrespect. The little things. They all eat at me.
And now I don't feel so special anymore.

I feel like I'm a minor player, or not even a player at all. Irrelevant. Easily dismissed. I may hold a position, but I feel like I'm easily ignored. I may get good grades, but "good" just does not feel, well, good.

I don't feel good. I feel bad. Hahaha. Really bad.

I want something more out of my life. I want to be more than what I am right now. I want to be the best that I can be.

And ranting about failure and not feeling special is not the answer to that.

Looking back at what I wrote, reviewing the words that I used, seeing my thoughts out in the open... Am I really that pathetic? Have I sunk so low that I would moan about not feeling special?

Writing really is the best stress reliever. How could I have let myself forget that? Hahaha. Let's start there. I should start writing more. Again. I have the brains. I have the talent. I have the means and the time. Now I must regain the will.

I let my pride be broken and battered by the words of others. I let myself be affected by a string of failures not entirely of my own doing. I let myself down, plain and simple, by letting the people and events around me define who I was. No more.

I will be me again. The old me. The me who didn't take crap from anyone. The me who didn't care what other people said or thought about him. The me who strived for perfection. The me who defined himself by his own terms and by his own standards.

Yes. Enough self pity. Enough wallowing in the mud. Enough crying over spilled milk. Enough living in the past. Enough cliches.

It's about time I retook the initiative. Carpe diem. Carpe nocte.

Seize the day and the night. Take every opportunity to be the best. No more settling for mediocrity. No more "para lang maipasa" or "para lang may nagawa".

I am setting high expectations for myself here. Hahaha. But they can be attained. They will be reached.

I will be me again.

defending the osr

It's almost a month later and I still can't get over the UP Lantern Parade. The fireworks display at the end was the best I've ever seen - even better than those at Ayala during the Millennium celebration eight years ago.

I still remember laughing out loud when a marching band playing "Stars and Stripes Forever" came after a long line of protesters carrying banners screaming "Defend the OSR". The irony was really amusing.

Back then, I had absolutely no idea why we have to defend the Office of the Student Regent. Back then, I was annoyed at having activists screaming and chanting during one of the most festive days of the year.

Now that I know why, I'm even more annoyed.

The protesters were right. We have to defend the OSR. However, I believe that we have to defend the OSR from those who are crying "Defend the OSR".

Why?

The campaign being spearheaded by STAND-UP is misleading at best, blatant disinformation at worst. There is no threat to the Office of the Student Regent stemming from the passage of the UP Charter last year.

What the 2008 Charter calls for is a referendum on the rules for the selection of the Student Regent. This is what the "Defend the OSR" campaign is all about. They are telling us to vote "yes" in the referendum two weeks from now - a vote that, if successful, will institutionalize the existing Codified Rules for Student Regent Selection (CRSRS).

A "no" vote in that referendum will not lead to the abolition of the Office of the Student Regent. The OSR is a part of the UP Charter and as the Charter is a law (Republic Act 9500) passed by the Philippine Congress, it cannot be removed by a mere student referendum. A "no" vote will, in effect, open up the CRSRS to review and possible amendment.

And that is what I believe to be the "threat" that the "Defend the OSR" campaign is calling us to "defend" against.

The two other major political parties in UP, ALYANSA and KAISA, are calling for amendments to the CRSRS. These amendments include having a minimum academic requirement for would-be Student Regents, the inclusion of the duties and responsibilities of the Student Regent, the removal of KASAMA sa UP from the CRSRS as secretariat, and the revision of the Student Regent selection process which would give every UP college one vote each.

So what is the threat here?

A minimum academic requirement that would prevent the likes of a Joseph Estrada from leading and representing the UP students at the Board of Regents?

The definition of what the Student Regent can and should do for his or her constituents?

The removal of a partisan political body from a position wherein it could influence or even control who can become Student Regent?

The democratization of a selection process that today gives disproportionate votes to each UP unit?

I don't see any threats here, other than the removal of certain advantages from a certain political movement we all know and love. But that is just me speculating.

This referendum gives us the perfect excuse and opportunity to review and amend the CRSRS to further professionalize and democratize the Office of the Student Regent. Now what could be wrong with that?

Those in the "Defend the OSR" camp say that a failure of the referendum will lead to the abolition of the OSR or at least open up the OSR to a Malacanang appointee. If the referendum fails, the sitting SR will remain until a replacement is selected.

However, that replacement will have to be chosen by the students in accordance with rules and qualifications approved in a referendum by the students as written and enforced in the UP Charter. A failure of the referendum will leave current SR Shahana Abdulwahid as SR until her replacement is selected by the UP students. Her replacement will have to wait until another referendum is held to ratify the CRSRS or an amended version of it.

The bottom line here is that there can be no Malacanang appointee or abolition of the OSR. The "Defend the OSR" people are only using this bogey as a scare tactic, plain and simple. And what they are doing is blatant disinformation. They are being dishonest with us.

They are lying to us.

Yes, we should defend the Office of the Student Regent. The Student Regent represents us and fights for us at the Board of Regents. It is our sole voice in the highest policy-making body of the University of the Philippines.

We should defend the OSR from those who would use it for their own partisan ends. We should fight for its professionalization. We should call for the further democratization of the SR selection process.

If the referendum for the ratification of the CRSRS scheduled on January 26-29, 2009 asks me whether or not I want to keep the Codified Rules for Student Regent Selection as flawed as they are right now,

I will vote no.

for lack of an umbrella

I'm really not into superstition. I poke fun at old wives' tales and rural folk tales. Talk to me about anything supernatural or otherworldly and I will automatically counter everything you say.

But there are some things that I can't easily explain away.

Like why something bad always happens to me when I don't have my umbrella.

Yes. This is about that large umbrella I always carry with me, so much so that some people instantly recognize me when you ask them about 'that guy with an umbrella'.

Anyway, the last time I left my umbrella at home was nearly three years ago. That was when I had the fun experience of having two 9mm weapons pointed at my head.

Last Saturday, I was so preoccupied with a lot of things running through my head that I forgot my umbrella at home. I was still near our house when I realized that I had left it at home. However, I was already late for an appointment and it seemed like it wasn't going to rain anytime soon so I just went on my way.

That appointment, by the way, was set back by more than two hours.

Everything went smoothly. Alumni talk about the trip to Shanghai for the solar eclipse next year. AstroSoc Refresher course. Sleep.

Sunday morning came. For some stupid reason, I was running around the street in front of the PAGASA Observatory. My mind blanked out for a microsecond, and in a sudden burst of speed I dove into the asphalt. I can't remember if I tripped or if I lost my balance. The next thing I knew was that I was lying on the ground with scrapes and bruises on my hands and arms.

What a stupid guy.

I walked back to the tambayan with a dazed look on my face. My friends helped me clean up the wounds and put on bandages, after which they took me to the Infirmary where I stayed to rest for an hour or so.

I still can't understand what had happened. There was absolutely no reason for that accident to happen.

I'll never leave home without my umbrella again.

first of december

I haven't been writing much lately. It's not that I have so much to do that I have no more time to sit here and put thoughts to paper, it's quite the opposite. I have nothing to do.

There's not much for me to write about, unless you all want to read about my classes - or lack of classes - every other day. There's nothing much to do yet. No papers or reports or much research until the Christmas break, no exams or presentations until the next year.

About the only thing that maintains my stress level (hahaha) is UP AstroSoc. With the International Year of Astronomy just a month away, I have to keep track of a lot of plans and proposals and problems and people. It's one hell of a challenge coordinating the activities of an organization, but it can also be fun and exciting.

Fun and exciting. Hahaha. It feels good to be able to articulate requests and give suggestions, to lead people, to be respected by your peers.

Translation: Ang sarap mag-utos, mag-dikta, at manakot.

Hahahaha. I'm only kidding. (Sure...) It's fun to be in charge, but the price of all that "fun" is all the responsibility that a high position brings with it. Bottom line is, the buck stops here.

Bea, ito na siguro article ko for Sidereals. Hahaha.

So what else is new...

Nothing much. Hahaha.

Christmas is in twenty-four days. My birthday is in twenty. I'm getting one year older once again. Argh.

However, hitting 22 so close to Christmas has its benefits - double the presents. HAHAHA. So what should you get me for Christmas AND my birthday? Hehehe.

I won't come out with a wish list this year. I want to be surprised. Hahahaha. But seriously now, with the current economic crunch I won't be expecting much. I won't be able to give much either.

I would gladly settle to be with the people I love this Christmas. I miss my far-flung high school barkada. I want to be with my family on Christmas Eve. I want to celebrate the season with my friends.

A chocolate bar or two won't hurt though.

Hehehe.

Merry Christmas everyone!